It took losing my professional running career to understand why I needed that reassurance so badly. The story began long before I laced up a pair of shoes and entered a race. 

Divorce and my parents’ own troubled upbringings made my childhood difficult. As an adult, I can now see that my parents were unable to provide the safe, nurturing, and stable environment a kid deserves. 

My young mind came to a conclusion that many children do: I must not be good enough the way that I am. Love, attention, and care, I believed, were all things that you had to earn. 

As a teenager, I was desperate for the attention I rarely received at home. My grades were good, but not scholarship level; I was on the cross-country team and acted in school plays, but was never the standout star in either. 

Despite my best efforts, nothing worked. That is, until I found success in ultrarunning. 

At 15 years old, I watched my mother train and complete her first marathon. I was mesmerized. Maybe I could win her affection by doing what I’d seen her do.